the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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