Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
