There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
