they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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