Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
