seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
