I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
