The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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