I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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