when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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