Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
