ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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