A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
