Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Randomize
