so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
