I think I died a long time ago.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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