I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
