i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
