so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
