I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
