your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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