I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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