There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
