I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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