so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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