there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
