legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
