Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
