It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
