Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
