There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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