I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
