If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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