so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize