....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
