i wish starbucks made bloody marys
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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