Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
