Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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