24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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