Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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