my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
