Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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