If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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