if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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