Kiss
Puke
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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