I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
