Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
