we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
its liver damage thursday
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
