Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
