wanna go halves on a baby?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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