i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize