Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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