I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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