areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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