i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
