Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
