Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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