The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize