I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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