someone threw a dead crab at me
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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